I am beautiful

That’s what I told myself this morning while looking into the mirror.
My ex pretty much messed up my self esteem, and I just need to get I up there for my own good.
No matter how much attention I get it doesn’t matter because it is stuck in my head.
So yesterday it clicked while talking to my best friend.
I got kind of dissed by a not so good looking guy at all, so that really had me thinking. I know it’s not about looks but that just pissed me off.

And she was right, it doesn’t matter how people think how beautiful I am unless I do the same!.
Low self esteem is being build up in your early childhood already. The wrong attention can totally affect it in a bad way. Well that’s not my case. I had some stupid immature selfish guy in my life, who thought by talking me down, I would never leave him and actually believe in his words.

I should really know better, but I always had a problem with that. So this morning I woke up with a totally different attitude.
Although I looked a mess from too much wine the night before, I was standing in front of the mirror and told myself “Jen you are beautiful”.
Just getting dressed today was different, and while walking to my car my roomy told me that I walked differently.
Although it is raining like crazy today, I am just really happy today

Mir platzt der kopf

My head is going to explode. Yes it has been feeling like this for quite a while. Living by myself ( by that i mean not with a partner) I notice how annoying I can be. My ex would always say, wow Jen you are such a winy person, and I would be like shhhhhh so not true. But now I see what he ment by that. It's good though because I annoy the shit out of myself, and I actually cut back a whole lot!
Hmmm life how intersting it has been this year. Things will be as hard as you make them a friend of mine once told me. And that is a true statement!
Wow I am such a weird person, very interesting!
Too emotional, way 2 deep in thought, caring and just plain weird.
But back to the as hard as you make it part. I look at my life form two different sides lately. One is the Jen, that has it pretty good going on for herself. Very independent female, with a good job, great friends and very realistic about things.
On the other hand we have this emotional wreck that is just overwhelmed with everything, and the littlest things seem to add to it every day.
I need to relax, because I do find a way to make it work at the end.
A really soft spot for me is my mother!
On sunday morning as I was melting chocolate for the coockies I was making I was talking to her. We were chatting about everything and it came to how people always say how cute, sweet, nice, caring and so on......... I am.
I moved away 6 years ago, and I thought/hoped that my moms would feel different about all this. Maybe the thought of me not coming home for the holidays this year had her thinking about it more. But trust me Mutti me not coming home this year for x-mas (tears me up right now just thinkng about it)makes me feel way worse that you could imagine, at least you have pops! It's just me all by myself and prob. 20 boxes of tissues and aspirin for the headache and all of the beautiful memories from the past years.
Anyway so back to the phone conversation. My moms said that for her it's like she lost her daughter. Oh lord that killed me!!! I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I want to do as good as I can for myself before I go back 2 Europe.

Carry me over

Beautiful