Women in art

If this is love

My moms found this in my room, and emailed it to me. I wrote this years ago.

I fell asleep under tears
Woke up under tears
Thought about the same shitty question
2 billion times
I turned and turned
In the same shitty problem
For you it’s ended
But I can not see it

I can not eat
I can not sleep
I can not understand
That you forgot about me
While memories cripple me
I am scarred of the evening
Horrified of the night
Up to the morning
The same question keeps me up
Why aren’t you here

If this is love
Why does it rob me from my sleep?
Why does it take away my strength?
Tell me what is it doing with me?
If this is love, what is hate?

Thousand times I dialed your number
And thousand times I hung up
Never told that crap to anyone
Who can understand how I miss you?
Exactly that forces all the other stress
Unfortunately I can not drink that much to forget about you
To forget about you…..

Maddis

This morning when I was putting on my lotion, the smell reminded me of my best friend Maddis ( Madelene). I haven't used it in a while, it's Chance by CHANEL. Maddis always used to wear it. So I was standing there, and felt almost numb, really weird. I got quite sad....

Maddis and I have been best friends for 6 years. We both met here as Au pairs. We have been through so much with each other, and she truly is my ROCK. Anyway, Maddis is moving to the Bahamas on saturday. I am truly happy for her, and hope she'll be happy there ! It's just going to be different, not being with her that much anymore. No more wine and pizza nights, traveling, going to events, just simply being with her.

The good thing is that the Bahamas aren't that far away. I will go there in 3 weeks already, and every other weekend in the future.

Everybody in our circle of friends is leaving this country, soon it'll be my time too, but not yet.

Das Weib

Food

It is funny how food involves people’s life. Some people can not take it of their minds for just a minute. They would do anything for a slice of cheesecake, or a hamburger. Others again would not even think about a slice of cheesecake. They would just think what it would do to their body, or how long it would take to wok it off again.

Myself, I am a mix. I LOVE FOOD, lol! I come from a family where there was always a lot of cooking or baking. Even now to this day, my moms asks me what I want to eat before I come home, and she would have everything ready. There is honestly nothing better than my moms cooking. I was never a really skinny person, more average.
When I was a teenager I was boulemic, which honestly was more a trend for me then mental. It wasn’t too long until my parents found out, and they send me to the best therapist there was, and it didn’t take me long to get out of it. Like I said it was a trend at that time.
When I moved to this country 5 ½ years ago, I did gain a lot of weight. OMG I think I tried everything there was, from twinkis to all the other junk. Food is so different here, and the fresh produce so bad.
Although I am a very active person, It took me about 1 year to loose that weight, and trust me I would never want to be that size again.
I always watch what I eat, I guess you kind of have to as a woman. But lately I really am watching what I am eating. It’s amazing, I never would of thought that I feel about food like this. I love chocolate, but I can not even remember the last time I had a piece.
I guess it’s for the better!

Picnic

This sunday I met up with a few friends of mine. The weather was nice so we decided to have a little "not" planned picnic. It was really nice my parents were there too.

Life

Life is today—not tomorrow.
The time you must live is now.

Don't wait for some far distant future
When all things will be right somehow.

Though busy, take time for that kind deed
That you plan for another day,

For perhaps there will be no tomorrow
When you'll pass again this way.

The burdens of life may be heavy,
But don't let them block your view.

Don't wait for them all to be lifted
Before counting the joys you have too.

The good and the bad mixed together
Must be put into proper place.

Whether you find joy or sorrow,
You must stand and meet life face to face.

So listen to laughter of children,
Stop a minute to watch them at play,

Give a smile and a kind word to someone
And you'll find it will brighten your day.

Be aware of each moment's small pleasure,
The little things make up the whole.

Fill your hours with bright shining minutes
As you search for life's ultimate goal.

THis song is so stuck in my head

The last time that I was home in Germany was in Janury. They would always show this com. and it is so stuck in my head!

You

To draw it, I don’t have the paint
To explain you, I don’t have the words
I don’t have the voice, to tell you
What you mean to me

And the more I understand
The more I feel the urge
To explain you, that I doubt
That I can never live without you

I don’t have the carelessness to mention it
Not the pen to draw you
I am missing the intellect to understand
How beautiful you are

And the more I understand
The more I want to notify
That you are the best in life
Before you came I was alone

To sing to you
I don’t have the sound
To note it I don’t have the paper
How can I hold this
Unbelievable amazing beauty
That I have with you

And the more I think about it
The more it’s clear to me
That the longer I’ve known you
Nothing is the way it used to be

J.W

SAD BUT TRUE

Beauty

My best friend

This might sound funny, but I could care less.
Things have been and are changing in my life. I think being single is the best thing for me right now, although I have to say that I kind of dislike it, but only because I don't like being alone. But I am managing quite well.
The funny thing is that I feel like a new person. My last relationship really didn't allow me to be myself, not that I pretended to be someone else but it was so controlling and I wasn't the happy person I usually am. For example, my best friend told me, Jen I am so happy you finally left that idiot. You have been looking really good lately and I have to say that you looked quite boring the last few years. You should burn all that ugly clothes. LOL I honestly didn't think that but if she says so, hehe! What was I thinking all those years? It seemed like my brain was numb in a way.I have been thinking different, doing different things, I am so happy again.
And all thanks to the voice in my head. Could sound crazy to some people, but not to me. I learned to be my bestfriend, and to truly love myself. I have not been spending that much time with my friends lately, that must sound a bit ignorant and cold, but I am just happy with myself right now. I have never been so focused in my life before, and I even changed a lot of my opinions. For example, I changed my mind about having children. For the longest time, I was sure that I would never have any children, due to our drastic climate changes. It took me a while to actually change my mind about that. Not because everybody I know told me, how selfish it would be not to bring children in to this"beautiful world" or that it is my duty as a woman and so on. But because of the the voice in my head.I love everything about children and I came to the conclusion that the joy of me having children will not be taken away from me!

Thanks to my best friend, I will remember you

Everytime by Lustral

Don't pay attention to the video, because I have no idea who those people are.
This song has a deep meaning to me since it always reminds me of one special person.

The rock

The rock that they threw
Not knowing, what they’ll be blamed
The life of others
Who were taking away their life,
Their children, wives

They are still planting hate

The rock that they threw
They don’t know anything
Nothing bothers them
Because they don’t want to share
One country that can give life

The rock that they throw
They join groups
Without consideration
Of peoples skin

That could have a different color

What is going to happen to their children
Are they going to follow their path
Are they going to find partners
No matter what skin color they have

People that throw rocks
Be circumspect
Look at yourself
Don’t look for rocks
That brake bones
Look for peace and calmness
To live with others
And not to be alone
J.W

YOU ARE MY WITNESSES; ISAIAH 43:10

The Holocaust- The Mass Murder Of The European Jews- I Think Was A Watershed Event In Human History.

In the aftermath of World War 2, the world from individual nations to the United Nations, from religious leaders to professionals in fields as diverse as law, medecine, and science; from presidents and prime ministers o private citizen confronted its legacy. Many of these issues raised by this cataclysmic event continue to have an impact on our lives and the world in which we live.

Since I was about 14 years old I was really interested in history and religions. Especially Judaism.

Since I am in Virginia this weekend I figured I should go to he National Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. The jewish heritage always had tickled my fancy.

So as I got to D.C I quite new what to expect, since all I have been reading since i was 16 were books about the Holocaust.

But I wasn't as strong as I thought. Tears were running down my eyes constantly, and I have to say that I feel quite depressed.I honestly was thinking why would they make a museum about such a sad time, and why on earth am I here!

I would write more about it, I just can't at this point

Daddy's girl

Me and my pops

What a wedding

My moms and my niece KK

What a wedding

Last night I took a flight to V.A to attend my stepsister's wedding today.
The morning started quite early, since I was woken up by my cousin's baby crying and my Pops running to the bathroom to vomit. Perfect so he was sick, first I thought it was because his daughter was getting married, but no he was really sick. So after I took a shower me and my moms babysitt my cousins babys, since they had to get ready.
As I was sitting there,trying to make Ethan( cousin's baby) stop crying I was thinking. I have 11 cousins ( 1 only 3 weeks old), 7 of them are married, 5 of them have babys, and 2 are on the way.And now my stepsister who is 22 is getting married!
I just thought that that was/is quite crazy.
Anyway, so I as we were about to leave, me my parents and 2 of the babys in 1 car, Haley (baby) started to vomit. LOL all over my pops jacket. As we finally cleaned everything up, and decided to leave my oma noticed that she locked the key in the house. Since I am the youngest, my dad picked me up and I had to climb through a window.Man I was quite pissed since I payed 400$ for my dress. Finally getting to the church right on time, although we were supposed to be there early, we were just laughing about what happened.
It was so beautiful to see my stepsister glowing full of joy. It was a beautiful ceremony. A lot of smiles, and laughs!
To my surprise I caught the bouquet!!!!!
Who would of thought that haha!
We were all just so happy today, it is so beautiful to see two people this happy.
I hope I will be too someday.

Matisyahu

I can't wait to see him life in a few weeks!

Noel Martin

So, like every morning I read the german news. A few months ago I read an article about a black male called Noel Martin ( see below). I was furious, mad and sad after reading that article.

I honestly can not believe that till this day, there is still so much racism in Germany.
I know it is everywhere, but it is hard for me to understand as a german.

Most of those stupid Neo Nazis are around my age, or even younger. Probably dropped out of school, come from a bad family and are lowlifes. 70 % of them are from eastern Germany. What I think the lames excuse is, even 1 of our politicians agrees with that is " since those people ( Neo Nazis ) were excluded because of the wall it is just normal for them to react like that if they see a different looking person. BS I tell you!!!! Maybe I do see things different because I am mixed, but which normal thinking person would react like that?

The other thing is the German law. A lot of times I thought I should of changed my major and become a human rights lawyer. Maybe I still should.... I am serious about that. If you feel like it, you can go rape and kill somebody in Germany, and they might give you 10 years. What kind of system is that?

I don't want to bash my country like that, I love it, don't get me wrong. I just hate the SYSTEM.

It sure is MESSED UP

Neo-Nazi Victim Battling to the Death
By Roman Heflik in Birmingham
Noel Martin plans to take his own life in less than a year. Just over 10 years ago, a neo-Nazi attack left him paralyzed from the neck down. He plans to fight right-wing extremists to the very end.
Noel Martin has only 297 days left. But time, he says, is also limited for the neo-Nazis who ruined his life.Noel Martin has already chosen July 23, 2007 to be the day he dies. On that evening, his pulse will gradually slow down until it stops completely. He has decided to die as a result of a lethal blend of drugs -- administered in Switzerland by Dignitas, an organization that offers its clients medically assisted suicide.
Martin publicly announced his decision in June, 10 years after the attack that left him paralyzed and destroyed his will to live. He plans to celebrate his last birthday -- he'll be 48 -- and then drink the cocktail that will put him out of his misery.
He has 297 days left.
The attack occurred on June 16, 1996 in Mahlow, a town in the former East German state of Brandenburg where the dark-skinned, Jamaican-born Briton was employed as a construction worker. A stone crashed through the windshield of his car and Martin's car veered off the road. He remembers seeing a tree careening towards him and jerking the steering wheel.
And then, a thud. Darkness.
When Martin woke up, he was lying on his back. He heard a voice. "Can you feel my hand on your leg?" it asked him. "But you're not touching my leg," Martin replied.
"I am not a part of life. I just exist"
Two young Germans, Sandro R. and Mario P., had thrown a lump of concrete at Martin's car. They were 17 and 24 years old at the time and their motive was "explicit xenophobia," as a court later determined. They were sentenced to five and eight years in prison. Noel Martin never got an apology, but by now he doesn't care any more. "It would be a waste of time. God will take care of them," he says, "life will take care of them." Both of his attackers are now free. But Martin is still imprisoned -- in his own body.
The attack left Noel Martin paralyzed from the neck down. "I am not a part of life," he says, 10 years and three months later, "I just exist." At home in Birmingham, he leans his heavy head against the headrest of his giant wheelchair. He fixes his weary eyes on his interviewer. "Everything has to be figured out by your head. It's torture, mental torture," he sighs. Martin will never be able to move his arms or legs again and he'll never be able to feel what his fingertips touch. He'll never have sex again, never go to the toilet by himself. Nor will he ever feel his own heartbeat.
Martin feels comparatively happy this afternoon. He was up at 8:00 and it only took until noon for him to be washed, massaged, and dressed.
Mornings aren't always this easy. Sometimes his ulcers bleed and bleed, until his dark face goes ashen and his eyes fall shut from sheer exhaustion. Sometimes his nurses slap his face to wake him up again. They have to slap his face -- that's the only part of his body that Noel Martin can still feel.
Losing control of your body hurts
On this particular afternoon, the idea of death seems absurd. Warm rays of sun shine through the garden window, casting patterns of light on the living room carpet. He looks around at the gilt moulding between the high ceiling and the green walls, at the heavy wooden furniture, the red leather couch and his television. There's a little fire place built into one wall. His huge old desk is covered with photo albums and sheets of paper. Dozens of birthday cards line the cornice along the wall. The room is full of life. This is Martin's kingdom. This is where he spends almost every day.
His wheelchair is in the middle of the room. His nurses have dressed him in black trousers and a casual black sweater. His roundish paunch protrudes underneath the sweater. "I used to be fit," Martin says. "I used to run in the mornings. Then I would do sit-ups. I did kung-fu and boxing too." Today he's plagued by chills and hot flashes. His broad shoulders have gone slack. He still has some control over his right shoulder -- which allows him to operate his wheelchair with a joystick and use his phone. Apart from that, Martin needs the assistance of his eight nurses for everything else.
They keep an eye on him 24 hours a day. Even now, a small woman with a blonde ponytail is standing in the doorway. "Cath, give me some wine please," Martin says. The nurse reaches him a glass of chilled white wine. He drinks it through a straw. "Good. Give me a cigarette please," he says. Cathy puts one in his mouth and lights it. Martin takes a drag. Then Cathy removes the cigarette from his mouth -- until he wants to take another drag.
This constant dependence on other people is agony for Martin. "I can never be alone." The self-confident man suffers from his loss of control. Suddenly he twists his face into a grimace -- he can't stand it anymore. "Cath, scratch please." The nurse wipes his face with a towel. This will happen about 10 times before the afternoon is over.
"You can't suffer every day of your life"
Jacqueline, his strong-willed wife, used to take care of him. She died of cancer six years ago. Two days before she passed away, they married at Jacqueline's sickbed -- after having lived together for 18 years. Martin says he spent 36 hours with her after their marriage before she fell into a coma. "I miss her every day," he says. His voice, which normally sounds so resolute, cracks. He can see her grave outside in the garden.
After the attack, he promised Jacqueline to try and hold on for eight years. On the evening of July 23, 2007, 11 years will have passed since the event that changed his life forever.
Martin's announcement that he plans to commit suicide has caused an uproar. The phone rang constantly for days. "The only one who didn't call was God," he jokes. Countless journalists asked him for an interview and outraged Christians urged him not to commit such a sin. But Martin says he doesn't need their advice. "Cath, cigarette please." He takes a deep drag and says that "99 percent of them" would already have "ended it all" years ago, in his situation. What does he think about other handicapped people who want to "end it all"? "Suffering is individual," he replies. "And you can't suffer every day." No, he says, he's not afraid to die. "No one escapes death anyway." He seems relaxed now -- almost cheerful. These are thoughts he has often thought.
Neo-Nazis are already celebrating the imminent death of the man they despise in their Internet forums. After all, the attack gave rise to an unprecedented campaign against xenophobia. Citizens in Mahlow spontaneously started up a local project called "Tolerant Mahlow." Martin returned to the city in 2001 and he called on its citizens to continue to stand up for the rights of others. He also established a charitable foundation against xenophobia.
Right-wing extremists, for their part, see it as a provocation that he is still alive. One of their Internet forums features a post by a neo-Nazi urging Martin to burn himself alive on a market square, noting that this would save money. The author of the post adds that he would be "happy to donate the gasoline." What does Martin think about the neo-Nazis? "Foolish people who know nothing about life. They love white skin, but they lie down in the sun to get a tan." He says to let them talk -- after all, there is such a thing as freedom of speech. "I wasn't afraid of them then, and I'm not afraid of them now," he says.
Noel Martin hasn't yet turned his back on life
Black people still aren't safe in Brandenburg today, 10 years after the attack on Noel Martin. "The government should make sure everyone can go wherever they want and be safe," he says. Martin knows how far-reaching the problem is. The first time he heard the word "nigger" was decades ago, back home, in the British industrial town of Birmingham.
And so Martin wants to make the most of the time that's left before the evening of July 23, 2007. His nurses, Cathy and Charity, spread out sheets of paper on the carpet. Martin discusses his appointments with the two nurses and makes a few phone calls. He hasn't turned his back on life yet. He's working on his book and in October he has a meeting with Brandenburg's governor, Matthias Platzeck in London. Later, he wants to return to Mahlow another time.
"I want to tell people they should stop apologizing for their past. They should just teach their children the value of life," he says. He's sure to receive public attention now -- and Martin is using it to support his foundation and other projects.
The right-wing extremists may well celebrate his death as a late triumph, but Noel Martin takes a very different view. "I have some bad news for those people," Martin says. He raises his head and his voice as if he were preparing to give a speech: "Of the 6 billion people in the world, 5 billion are people of color. Sooner or later they'll all mix." He grins. "Who knows? Maybe the children of these Nazis will marry a black man or a black woman one day?"
He likes the idea. The Nazis are running out of time -- with or without Noel Martin.

Lovefool

This so reminds me of when I was 16 and dating my first bf. I was so naive, he screwed me over and over again. Me, faithful as I am never did anything to upset him, even when I was abroad. All the mistakes he had/made I always tried to adjust with them, and telling myself, oh it's ok, actually not that bad.
And when he finally broke up with me, I still wanted him, sick I tell you!
Stupid mistake, oh well I was young and so NAIVE!

Nelson

The Healing Light Institute of Spirituality

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Here we go again

I used to always put everything down to paper, my thoughts, stories I would write, everything. This blog is not about a certain topic. It's just about me, my life "meine Reise" which means my journey. What inspires me, is what I have been through, and what I want. So if maybe you will read a depressing poem about Love, that might of have been a stage of my life where I am not anymore, or someone elses sorrow. I am indeed a verry happy person, just for the people that might read this and do not know me. Anyway too many things have been going through my mind in the last months, and I thought that this would be a good thing to do. I am at a point in my life where I am really finding out who I am. After beeing in a relationship over 4 years, you sometimes forget who you really are.